It’s in those tumultuous, stay-away-from-me teenage years that you should maintain a strong connection…

Awakened one night last year by strange crashing sounds, Nisha Kadir went to check on her 12-year-old son, Irfan. Not finding him in his room, she looked out of the window and was astounded to find him sitting precariously on a ledge atop their three-storey house in Singapore.

Although he didn’t resist when she told him to come in, Nisha knew things were not right. Checking the ledge the next morning, Nisha found candy wrappers, empty Coke bottles and cookie crumbs - showing it had been a regular haunt for some time.

Withdrawn and silent for the past few months, Irfan’s grades had been dipping despite extensive tuition classes.

“I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong, but he has become a total stranger to me,” says Nisha.

Like Nisha, many parents feel helpless when their teenager refuses to fall in line. Alternating between belligerence and sullen silence, the teen may frustrate all attempts at communication. Even so-called “good” teenagers many disengage from their parents and develop a separate life with their all-important friends. As such, many parents give up trying to stay close.

“That could have damaging results,” says Mumbai psychiatrist Dayal Mirchandani. “When the parent withdraws prematurely, the child withdraws even further, and the bond between them is weakened.”

But isn’t it natural and healthy for teens to pull away from their families? Apparently not. New research suggests that teenage children need their parents as much as younger children do, especially during the vulnerable 13-to-16 years. The National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health, which has followed more than 12,000 American teenagers since 1994, concluded that being “connected” to family members protects teens against high-risk behaviours like unprotected sex and drug use.

And what exactly does “connected” mean? Not just the sense of being loved but also the physical availability of the parent during the child’s day - before or after school, at dinner or bedtime. Other documented benefits of a strong parent-teen connection: fewer weight-related concerns and eating disorders, a smoother transition to secondary school and fewer conflicts in the teen’s personal relationships. Teens who feel insecure in their connection to their parents have a higher risk of drug abuse, aggressive and delinquent behaviour - even suicide.

“There is a ‘pull-push’ factor for parent-teen relations,” says Carol Balhetchet, the director of the Youth Services at the Singapore Children’s Society. “Teens who grow up with family problems tend to push their parents out of their lives and gravitate towards the pull of their friends.”

Called “peer orientation,” according to Gordon Neufeld, a Canadian development psychologist, teens begin to take their behavioural cues from their peers, not from their parents.

“The problem is that these friends become their moral compass,” explains Neufeld. “Peer-oriented teens don’t wish to live up to their parents’ values and don’t take parental rejection to heart.” Typically, says Nuefeld, “teen become more difficult to parent, harder to teach, more aggressive, less mature and emotionally hardened.”

So how do you stay connected to a teen who seems to crave nothing but distance from you? Here are some strategies that parents and parenting experts have found to bring parents and teens closer together: Read the rest of this entry »

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DON’T PANIC!

Pity the kids?  Think of the poor parents. The run-up exams is just as stressful for them. It’s often the first time their child has been judged by the world, and they feel judged, too: those tough decisions about schools are put to the test. That - and realising the results are way beyond their control - is enough to make anyone panic.

BRIBERY

It’s easy to feel that other parents are providing the right blend of encouragement and colourful revision charts. The reality is that they’re just as likely to be reduced to bribery - offering cash for results.

COACHING

Hands-on tuition isn’t recommended. Some children appreciate the attention, but locking horns over textbooks can be counterproductive. A friend of mine, coached her son in English every night for six months, only to find that he went from a grade D to an E.

Terri Apter, a social psychologist at Cambridge University and the author of The Myth of Maturity, says, “If you want to coach, focus on the task in hand and be responsive: your teenager will tell you whether it’s useful or making him or her anxious or impatient.”

A WATCHFUL EYE

The problem for working parents is that they can’t be sure how much work is actually being done. Even if you’re home-based, it’s hard to know what goes behind closed doors and, more importantly, whether the revision is productive.

Apter says that parents shouldn’t be afraid to ask their children about the work they’ve covered during the day: “If a child isn’t doing enough it’s virtually impossible not to nag, but nagging can be structured. Work out a reasonable amount of revision time and designate a specific time of day for it. And if for some reason the time has to be changed, then the work also has to be reallocated. “Of course, that is often easier said than done.

HOW TO HELP

If the mention of revision increases tension, there are unobtrusive ways to offer help - such as delivering regular snacks, offering to test, or generally hovering, ready to explain things or to discuss problems.

According to Apter, that’s just as important with undergraduate offspring. She says, “Independent though they are in both practical and intellectual terms, university students still want emotional support, to know that their parents respect their efforts and that they’ll be forgiving if they mess up.”

Above all, Apter insists, it’s vital that all parents keep a sense of perspective about exams: “Remember, if your child doesn’t do well, it’s not like a horrible illness or injury. There are many more chances.”

Credits to: Celia Dodd 

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Controlling our Self Talk

We talk to ourselves 50, 000 - 80, 000 times a day.

What we say to ourselves affect our performance and our results.

When we use positive words, they give us power. When we use negative words, they take away our power.

Positive Words

I will do it
I meet a challenge
I love exams
I am committed to succeed
I haven’t learned to do it
I have a learning experience
I will surely win
This is very challenging

Negative Words

I’ll try to do it
I have a problem
I hate exams
I hope to succeed
I cannot do it
I have failed
I will sure fail
This is very difficult

Controlling our Body

Your body controls your state and your thoughts!

To feel confident, put your body in position of confidence

• Confident posture
• Confident look on your face
• Confident voice
• Confident movements

To feel motivated, put your body in a motivated position

• Motivated posture
• Motivated look on your face
• Motivated voice
• Motivated movements

Whenever you feel lousy, charge your body position! This will automatically charge how you feel!

When you ACT CONFIDENT, you BECOME CONFIDENT.
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It seems that we have it backward in our society. We tend to look up to people who are under a great deal of stress, who can handle loads of stress, and those who are under a great deal of pressure. When someone says, “I’ve been working really hard,” or “I’m really stressed out,” we are taught to admire, even emulate their behaviour. In my work as a stress consultant I hear the proud words “I have a very high tolerance to stress” almost everyday. It probably won’t come as a surprise that when these stressed-out people first arrive at my office, more often than not, what they are hoping for are strategies to raise their tolerance to stress even higher so they can handle even more!

Fortunately, there is an inviolable law in our emotional environment that goes something like this: Our current level of stress will be exactly that of our tolerance to stress. You’ll notice that the people who say, “I can handle lots of stress” will always be under a great deal of it! So, if you teach people to raise their tolerance of stress, that’s exactly what will happen. They will accept even more confusion and responsibility until again, their external level of stress matches that of their tolerance. Usually it takes a crisis of some kind to wake up a stressed-out person to their own craziness - a spouse leaves, a health issue emerges, a serious addiction takes over their life - something happens that jolts them into a search for a new kind of stratergy.

It may seem strange, but if you were to enroll in the average stress management workshop, what you would probably learn is to raise your tolerance to stress. It seems that even stress consultants are stressed out!

What you want to start doing is noticing your stress early, before it gets out of hand. When you feel your mind moving too quickly, it’s time to back off and regain your bearings. When your schedule is getting out of hand, it’s signal that it’s time to slow down and reevaluate what’s important rather than power through everything on the list. When you’re feeling out of control and resentful of all you have to do, rather than roll up your sleeves and “get to it,” a better strategy is to relax, take a few deep breaths, and go for a short walk. You’ll find that when you catch yourself getting too stressed out - early, before it gets out of control - your stress will be like the proverbial snowball rolling down the hill. When it’s small, it’s manageable and easy to control. Once it gathers momentum, however, it’s difficult, if not impossible, to stop.

There’s no need to worry that you won’t get it all done. When your mind is clear and peaceful and your stress level is reduced, you’ll be more effective and you’ll have more fun. As you lower your tolerance to stress, you will find that you’ll have far less stress to handle, as well as creative ideas for handling the stress that is left over.

By Richard Carlson PH.D

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