It’s in those tumultuous, stay-away-from-me teenage years that you should maintain a strong connection…

Awakened one night last year by strange crashing sounds, Nisha Kadir went to check on her 12-year-old son, Irfan. Not finding him in his room, she looked out of the window and was astounded to find him sitting precariously on a ledge atop their three-storey house in Singapore.

Although he didn’t resist when she told him to come in, Nisha knew things were not right. Checking the ledge the next morning, Nisha found candy wrappers, empty Coke bottles and cookie crumbs - showing it had been a regular haunt for some time.

Withdrawn and silent for the past few months, Irfan’s grades had been dipping despite extensive tuition classes.

“I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong, but he has become a total stranger to me,” says Nisha.

Like Nisha, many parents feel helpless when their teenager refuses to fall in line. Alternating between belligerence and sullen silence, the teen may frustrate all attempts at communication. Even so-called “good” teenagers many disengage from their parents and develop a separate life with their all-important friends. As such, many parents give up trying to stay close.

“That could have damaging results,” says Mumbai psychiatrist Dayal Mirchandani. “When the parent withdraws prematurely, the child withdraws even further, and the bond between them is weakened.”

But isn’t it natural and healthy for teens to pull away from their families? Apparently not. New research suggests that teenage children need their parents as much as younger children do, especially during the vulnerable 13-to-16 years. The National Longitudinal Study on Adolescent Health, which has followed more than 12,000 American teenagers since 1994, concluded that being “connected” to family members protects teens against high-risk behaviours like unprotected sex and drug use.

And what exactly does “connected” mean? Not just the sense of being loved but also the physical availability of the parent during the child’s day - before or after school, at dinner or bedtime. Other documented benefits of a strong parent-teen connection: fewer weight-related concerns and eating disorders, a smoother transition to secondary school and fewer conflicts in the teen’s personal relationships. Teens who feel insecure in their connection to their parents have a higher risk of drug abuse, aggressive and delinquent behaviour - even suicide.

“There is a ‘pull-push’ factor for parent-teen relations,” says Carol Balhetchet, the director of the Youth Services at the Singapore Children’s Society. “Teens who grow up with family problems tend to push their parents out of their lives and gravitate towards the pull of their friends.”

Called “peer orientation,” according to Gordon Neufeld, a Canadian development psychologist, teens begin to take their behavioural cues from their peers, not from their parents.

“The problem is that these friends become their moral compass,” explains Neufeld. “Peer-oriented teens don’t wish to live up to their parents’ values and don’t take parental rejection to heart.” Typically, says Nuefeld, “teen become more difficult to parent, harder to teach, more aggressive, less mature and emotionally hardened.”

So how do you stay connected to a teen who seems to crave nothing but distance from you? Here are some strategies that parents and parenting experts have found to bring parents and teens closer together: Read the rest of this entry »

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DON’T PANIC!

Pity the kids?  Think of the poor parents. The run-up exams is just as stressful for them. It’s often the first time their child has been judged by the world, and they feel judged, too: those tough decisions about schools are put to the test. That - and realising the results are way beyond their control - is enough to make anyone panic.

BRIBERY

It’s easy to feel that other parents are providing the right blend of encouragement and colourful revision charts. The reality is that they’re just as likely to be reduced to bribery - offering cash for results.

COACHING

Hands-on tuition isn’t recommended. Some children appreciate the attention, but locking horns over textbooks can be counterproductive. A friend of mine, coached her son in English every night for six months, only to find that he went from a grade D to an E.

Terri Apter, a social psychologist at Cambridge University and the author of The Myth of Maturity, says, “If you want to coach, focus on the task in hand and be responsive: your teenager will tell you whether it’s useful or making him or her anxious or impatient.”

A WATCHFUL EYE

The problem for working parents is that they can’t be sure how much work is actually being done. Even if you’re home-based, it’s hard to know what goes behind closed doors and, more importantly, whether the revision is productive.

Apter says that parents shouldn’t be afraid to ask their children about the work they’ve covered during the day: “If a child isn’t doing enough it’s virtually impossible not to nag, but nagging can be structured. Work out a reasonable amount of revision time and designate a specific time of day for it. And if for some reason the time has to be changed, then the work also has to be reallocated. “Of course, that is often easier said than done.

HOW TO HELP

If the mention of revision increases tension, there are unobtrusive ways to offer help - such as delivering regular snacks, offering to test, or generally hovering, ready to explain things or to discuss problems.

According to Apter, that’s just as important with undergraduate offspring. She says, “Independent though they are in both practical and intellectual terms, university students still want emotional support, to know that their parents respect their efforts and that they’ll be forgiving if they mess up.”

Above all, Apter insists, it’s vital that all parents keep a sense of perspective about exams: “Remember, if your child doesn’t do well, it’s not like a horrible illness or injury. There are many more chances.”

Credits to: Celia Dodd 

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In the field of financial planning there is a universally accepted principle that it’s critical to pay yourself first, before you pay your other bills - to think of yourself as a creditor. The rationale for this financial wisdom is that if you wait to put money into savings until after everybody else is paid, there will be nothing left for you! The result is that you’ll keep postponing your savings plan until it’s too late to do anything about it. But, lo and behold, if you pay yourself first, somehow there will be just enough to pay everyone else too.

The identical principle is critical to implement into your program of spiritual practice. If you wait until all your chores, responsibilities, and everything else is done before you get started, it will never happen. Guaranteed.

I have found that scheduling a little time each day as if it were an actual appointment is the only way to ensure that you will take some time for yourself. You might become an early riser, for example, and schedule one hour that is reserved for reading, praying, reflecting, meditating, yoga, exercise, or however you want to use the time. How you choose to use the time is up to you. The important thing is that you do schedule the time and that you stick to it.

I had a client who actually hired a baby-sitter on a regular basis to ensure that she had the chance to do the things she felt she needed to do. Today, more than a year later, her efforts have paid enormous dividens. She’s happier than she ever thought possible. She told me that there was a time that she never would have imagined hiring a baby-sitter to ensure this type of quality time for herself. Now that she has done it, she can’t imagine not doing it! If you set your mind to it, you can find the time you need.

Credits to Richard Carlson PH.D

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I’ve yet to meet an absolute perfectionist whose life was filled with inner peace. The need for perfection and the desire for inner tranquility conflict with each other. Whenever we are attached to having something a certain way, better than it already is, we are, almost by definition, engaged in a losing battle. Rather than being content and grateful for what we have, we are focused on what’s wrong with something and our need to fix it. When we are zeroed in on what’s wrong, it implies that we are dissatisfied, discontent.Whether it’s related to ourselves - a disorganized closet, a scratch on the car, an imperfect accomplishment, a few pounds we would like to lose - or someone else’s “imperfections” - the way someone looks, behaves, or lives their life - the very act of focusing on imperfection pulls us away from our goal of being kind and gentle. This strategy has nothing to do with ceasing to do your very best but with being overly attached and focused on what’s wrong with life. It’s about realizing that while there’s always a better way to do something, this doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy and appreciate the way things already are.

The solution here is to catch yourself when you fall into your habit of insisting that things should be other than they are. Gently remind yourself that life is okay the way it is, right now. In the absence of your judgement, everything would be fine. As you begin to eliminate your need for perfection in all areas of your life, you’ll begin to discover the perfection in life itself.
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