Have we actually stopped to check ourselves on this? We correct our children continuously, fervently – almost a daily activity. But have we listened to ourselves talking to them?
What would it sound like if we started paying attention to the way we speak to them?

The first thing that comes to my mind is that we patronize them immensely. Our language gives a sense of how we are looking down to them. We assume this high and mighty attitude – that there is a superiority of intelligence on our part. We give them the impression that they have difficulty in understanding ‘smart’ things. We water down our language presumably to adjust to their level – obviously a lower level, at times very low indeed. Then, we wonder why they are not growing intellectually. Interestingly, we have ingrained in them the concept of they do not have what it takes to think for themselves. Indirectly, we cripple their intellectual development.

The second thing we adults love doing is to continuously command them to do things. We enjoy imperatives – always telling them what to do. Seldom, do we interact with them in a discourse by which their opinions are important. Often, they are not even given the space to say what they want to say – or when they do – they are thumped down because that view does not agree with the adult view. They are consistently drummed with the idea that they should not trust their opinions – because they are ‘young’ – so they do not know enough. Sadly, we do not even allow them to work out their own thinking processes. We just insist on feeding them with our own conclusions and values. Most of the time, the child does not even get a chance to even allow what is in their minds to peer out into this world. Ideas and thinking processes are killed before they have even begun to grow.

The third thing is of course to me the most disturbing. We focus on children’s negatives. We nurture their weaknesses by focusing so much on them – overlooking the most important law of the universe ‘WHAT YOU FOCUS ON WILL EXPAND’.

How would you feel if everyday there is someone there in the house to remind you on how lazy you are – on how disorganised you are – on how weak you are in your subjects? Would that really inspire you to do better? Would that help you to get rid of all your unwanted behaviour? Would it bring out the best in you and increase your self-esteem and wanting to achieve? When our children do good – the compliment is fast and brief. But, the moment they break the rules – they will be bombarded constantly with a barrage of missile-like berating that can kill anyone’s spirit to move on. Mistakes are not tolerated. They are made to believe that those weaknesses are sins and they may never be forgiven. Is that the real world?

Do adults go around unblemished and perfect in everything they do? Are mistakes not the substance of life – teaching us and helping us to advance further? Seems like we adults demand something from our children that we ourselves cannot deliver. Think about that for a change!

Imagine this scenario, teacher complaints to parents about this child’s lack of focus in class and loves to play around. Parents go home and continue to throw negative, threatening and accusative words to the child. In school, through ‘conventional wisdom’ teachers believe it is their responsibility to continue to ‘scold’ and ‘punish’ the child. Tell me where can this child find peace and comfort? So are we surprised that children who experience this will find another outlet – that environment where there are peers who understand what they are going through, peers who do not judge them and accept them for who they are? Peers who make them feel that they are of some ‘worth’? A very real human need!

So, rather than blame the negative influences of today’s world, lets first ask ourselves what we have done or not done to help push our children away from us. And it all starts with that one person called ‘me’.

“Be the change that you want the world to be.” Mahatma Gandhi

Parents are often at a loss when children start bawling and throwing tantrums especially in front of others or at a public place. As a result, to reduce the embarrassment , they may just give in to the child’s demands.

This may solve the short term problem but it will support a long term negative behaviour. Children must learn from an early age that kicking and throwing yourself around will not get you anywhere. Read the rest of this entry »

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DON’T PANIC!

Pity the kids?  Think of the poor parents. The run-up exams is just as stressful for them. It’s often the first time their child has been judged by the world, and they feel judged, too: those tough decisions about schools are put to the test. That - and realising the results are way beyond their control - is enough to make anyone panic.

BRIBERY

It’s easy to feel that other parents are providing the right blend of encouragement and colourful revision charts. The reality is that they’re just as likely to be reduced to bribery - offering cash for results.

COACHING

Hands-on tuition isn’t recommended. Some children appreciate the attention, but locking horns over textbooks can be counterproductive. A friend of mine, coached her son in English every night for six months, only to find that he went from a grade D to an E.

Terri Apter, a social psychologist at Cambridge University and the author of The Myth of Maturity, says, “If you want to coach, focus on the task in hand and be responsive: your teenager will tell you whether it’s useful or making him or her anxious or impatient.”

A WATCHFUL EYE

The problem for working parents is that they can’t be sure how much work is actually being done. Even if you’re home-based, it’s hard to know what goes behind closed doors and, more importantly, whether the revision is productive.

Apter says that parents shouldn’t be afraid to ask their children about the work they’ve covered during the day: “If a child isn’t doing enough it’s virtually impossible not to nag, but nagging can be structured. Work out a reasonable amount of revision time and designate a specific time of day for it. And if for some reason the time has to be changed, then the work also has to be reallocated. “Of course, that is often easier said than done.

HOW TO HELP

If the mention of revision increases tension, there are unobtrusive ways to offer help - such as delivering regular snacks, offering to test, or generally hovering, ready to explain things or to discuss problems.

According to Apter, that’s just as important with undergraduate offspring. She says, “Independent though they are in both practical and intellectual terms, university students still want emotional support, to know that their parents respect their efforts and that they’ll be forgiving if they mess up.”

Above all, Apter insists, it’s vital that all parents keep a sense of perspective about exams: “Remember, if your child doesn’t do well, it’s not like a horrible illness or injury. There are many more chances.”

Credits to: Celia Dodd 

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In the field of financial planning there is a universally accepted principle that it’s critical to pay yourself first, before you pay your other bills - to think of yourself as a creditor. The rationale for this financial wisdom is that if you wait to put money into savings until after everybody else is paid, there will be nothing left for you! The result is that you’ll keep postponing your savings plan until it’s too late to do anything about it. But, lo and behold, if you pay yourself first, somehow there will be just enough to pay everyone else too.

The identical principle is critical to implement into your program of spiritual practice. If you wait until all your chores, responsibilities, and everything else is done before you get started, it will never happen. Guaranteed.

I have found that scheduling a little time each day as if it were an actual appointment is the only way to ensure that you will take some time for yourself. You might become an early riser, for example, and schedule one hour that is reserved for reading, praying, reflecting, meditating, yoga, exercise, or however you want to use the time. How you choose to use the time is up to you. The important thing is that you do schedule the time and that you stick to it.

I had a client who actually hired a baby-sitter on a regular basis to ensure that she had the chance to do the things she felt she needed to do. Today, more than a year later, her efforts have paid enormous dividens. She’s happier than she ever thought possible. She told me that there was a time that she never would have imagined hiring a baby-sitter to ensure this type of quality time for herself. Now that she has done it, she can’t imagine not doing it! If you set your mind to it, you can find the time you need.

Credits to Richard Carlson PH.D

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