Have we actually stopped to check ourselves on this? We correct our children
continuously, fervently – almost a daily activity. But have we listened to ourselves talking to them?
What would it sound like if we started paying attention to the way we speak to them?
The first thing that comes to my mind is that we patronize them immensely. Our language gives a sense of how we are looking down to them. We assume this high and mighty attitude – that there is a superiority of intelligence on our part. We give them the impression that they have difficulty in understanding ‘smart’ things. We water down our language presumably to adjust to their level – obviously a lower level, at times very low indeed. Then, we wonder why they are not growing intellectually. Interestingly, we have ingrained in them the concept of they do not have what it takes to think for themselves. Indirectly, we cripple their intellectual development.
The second thing we adults love doing is to continuously command them to do things. We enjoy imperatives – always telling them what to do. Seldom, do we interact with them in a discourse by which their opinions are important. Often, they are not even given the space to say what they want to say – or when they do – they are thumped down because that view does not agree with the adult view. They are consistently drummed with the idea that they should not trust their opinions – because they are ‘young’ – so they do not know enough. Sadly, we do not even allow them to work out their own thinking processes. We just insist on feeding them with our own conclusions and values. Most of the time, the child does not even get a chance to even allow what is in their minds to peer out into this world. Ideas and thinking processes are killed before they have even begun to grow.
The third thing is of course to me the most disturbing. We focus on children’s negatives. We nurture their weaknesses by focusing so much on them – overlooking the most important law of the universe ‘WHAT YOU FOCUS ON WILL EXPAND’.
How would you feel if everyday there is someone there in the house to remind you on how lazy you are – on how disorganised you are – on how weak you are in your subjects? Would that really inspire you to do better? Would that help you to get rid of all your unwanted behaviour? Would it bring out the best in you and increase your self-esteem and wanting to achieve? When our children do good – the compliment is fast and brief. But, the moment they break the rules – they will be bombarded constantly with a barrage of missile-like berating that can kill anyone’s spirit to move on. Mistakes are not tolerated. They are made to believe that those weaknesses are sins and they may never be forgiven. Is that the real world?
Do adults go around unblemished and perfect in everything they do? Are mistakes not the substance of life – teaching us and helping us to advance further? Seems like we adults demand something from our children that we ourselves cannot deliver. Think about that for a change!
Imagine this scenario, teacher complaints to parents about this child’s lack of focus in class and loves to play around. Parents go home and continue to throw negative, threatening and accusative words to the child. In school, through ‘conventional wisdom’ teachers believe it is their responsibility to continue to ‘scold’ and ‘punish’ the child. Tell me where can this child find peace and comfort? So are we surprised that children who experience this will find another outlet – that environment where there are peers who understand what they are going through, peers who do not judge them and accept them for who they are? Peers who make them feel that they are of some ‘worth’? A very real human need!
So, rather than blame the negative influences of today’s world, lets first ask ourselves what we have done or not done to help push our children away from us. And it all starts with that one person called ‘me’.
“Be the change that you want the world to be.” Mahatma Gandhi
Parents are often at a loss when children start bawling and throwing tantrums especially in front of others or at a public place. As a result, to reduce the embarrassment , they may just give in to the child’s demands.
This may solve the short term problem but it will support a long term negative behaviour. Children must learn from an early age that kicking and throwing yourself around will not get you anywhere. Read the rest of this entry »
